It is almost time once again to pay our annual respects to the most mysterious, miraculous, and omnipotent of creatures, the mother - and I'm not just saying that because she might someday read this. Mother's are truly the magical glue that hold the modern family together, so we decided to pay a special tribute to mom's everywhere by presenting these little known facts about motherhood.

Your mom has been proven to be best mom in the whole world, except for her mother-in-law.

Everyone has a mother. Your mother had a mother, and your mother's mother had a mother. It stands to reason that if you went back far enough you would eventually arrive at the first mother, but this has not yet been established by science. Some subscribe to the theory of Infinite Motherhood, while others believe that there is one infinite mother who is the mother of all mothers.

Mothers have been worshipped at least since ancient Greece, where fertility was ensured during a spring time sacrifice of virgins to Rhea, mother of the gods. This practice was abandoned shortly afterward when it occurred to them that sacrificing perfectly fertile virgins was a tremendously stupid way to celebrate fertility.

The modern celebration of Mother's Day began when several mothers in West Virginia got really pissed off because no one else in the family was helping with the housework, and decided to give them a taste of their own medicine. The event is recorded in the history books as The Great Festering Stench of 1908, during which the entire State went uncleansed for three and a half weeks until the mothers were finally appeased with flowers and desperate pleas written in greeting cards.

Research shows that if it weren't for mothers, approximately 92 percent of us would freeze to death outside without a jacket on before we reached 18 years of age.

Hieroglyphs in the Great Pyramids clearly indicate that motherhood has been known to be most enjoyable after the kids are in bed since ancient times.

Penguin mothers sometimes balance their eggs on the tips of their beaks to protect them from the frozen ground.

There are good reasons to believe that without mothers the majority us would be severely malnourished from growing up on a diet of taco chips and beer. Although bachelor's have been known to survive for years on taco chips and beer, experts have confirmed that such a limited diet can be particularly harmful in a child's formative years.

Along similar lines, only mothers seem to truly understand that snowballs are actually a food group.

When your mom says, "Your room is a mess," this is not merely an observation. It means, "Clean up your room."

Recent polls clearly show that without mothers, most laundry, particularly men's, would not get washed until it smelled worse than a egg salad sandwich that had been sitting in the sun for five days.

When a woman becomes a mother, she no longer needs an alarm clock. It also increases her ability to walk on a sticky floor without cleaning it up.

Mothers have their own special kind of logic which conclusively and immediately resolves all arguments in their favor. The typical deployment of this logic involves the words, "Because I said so."

Happy Mother's Day everyone!